Addiction and Trauma: SSgt Sam Hargrove

Ken Harbaugh:

I’m Ken Harbaugh, host of Warriors In Their Own Words. In partnership with the Honor Project, we’ve brought this podcast back at a time when our nation needs these stories more than ever.

Warriors in Their Own Words is our attempt to present an unvarnished, unsanitized truth of what we have asked of those who defend this nation. Thank you for listening, and by doing so, honoring those who have served.

Today, we’ll hear from Staff Sergeant Sam Hargrove. Hargrove served in the Air Force working in combat communications. During her deployment in Iraq, Hargrove survived a base bombing. The incident left her with a traumatic brain injury and PTSD, but both went untreated.

SSgt. Samantha Hargrove:

Yeah, so I'm Samantha Hargrove, staff sergeant retired, and I was combat communications from March '96 to November 2007.

I come from a military family, so I've always said that I wanted to be in the military and be a lawyer. That was two things that I've always wanted to do. I didn't do the lawyer part, but I did do the military part. And so I was initially, actually, recruited by the Marines. And my brother, who was a 22-year master gunnery sergeant, he actually knew my Marine recruiter, and he said that she's not going into the Marines, walk her next door to the Air Force recruiter, she's going to the Air Force. He just said, "I'm too smart and too intelligent to be in the Marines." His words, not mine.

I've always wanted to do computers since computers was introduced to me in junior high school. So, that was just something that I wanted to do. But I started off, actually, as admin, and then they incorporated or merged my job with computers. And so I ended up being a 3D, which was Combat Communications. So, I was a Comm troop for, I would say the rest of my time from 2001 to 2007.

I was in the 54th Combat Comm Squadron, and what we were support for, I guess you could say we went in and built up the air base communications for wartime environment or whatever. So, when we went over to Iraq, we was the first in with CE, and so we popped up the tents, ran the Cat 5 cables through the ground, and made sure everybody's computers and things were set up.

We had to make sure that we also had a morale tent, so other troops can come back and communicate with their units, because we were out there with all the branches. So, it wasn't just Air Force, it was Army, it was the UK troops, Australian troops, everybody was out there at the same time. And so they would come over to our section, our squadron, in our area, and make sure that they can call back and communicate with their units to let them know what was going on in the AOR.

When we got there, it was like, "Okay, this is what you can and you can't do. Always have your M16, always have on your flak vest and your Kevlar helmet." So, it was like, we're going to dig these trenches, we got to make sure that we have a hole here for the makeshift bathroom, the makeshift showers, we got a pallet of water outside in 130 degrees. So, it is just different. It was different from the States in general.

I remember standing around in a crowd out there and there was a guy, we just kept hearing... A little sound that goes by us or whatever, and there was a guy that just kept flicking by his ear and stuff, and it ended up happening. What we didn't know that it was little bullets flying by. So, that was kind of interesting to find out that you were being shot at at the time. And so that was like, "Hey, this is real."

I got there in March 2003, right as the war was going on. And so there was an incident where I was in the morale tent calling home, and we heard it incoming, whatever, but it was an explosion nearby that rocked pretty much the base, and made all the comms go down.

So I'm not sure exactly where the round landed, per se, but I do know it was close enough to rock the morale tent. And so I was on the phone at the time with my godson's mother, and so making my own personal morale call, and it was like, all of a sudden, it was like dust everywhere and darkness, and you could hear people screaming and everything, because we really don't know what's going on. And so I ended up trying to figure out one, where I was, but trying to help a young troop, because we was trying to get back to our unit, to my supervisor, to try to figure out what's going on and how… where we needed to be in that particular moment. And so those are the things that a lot of people don't understand. When you're in that particular moment, everything is hazy, and you really don't know what to do, because even though you train for it, once it hits you at that particular moment, it's like, "Whoa, this is really happening."

So, I think the airman, she might've been 19 at the time? And so I just wanted to be somebody for her and just try to get her to safety to make sure she was okay. And I ended up finding my supervisor and everything. And then we got with our unit, and we wanted to make sure that everybody was in place, everybody was okay, and make sure that we didn't have any casualties at the time.

There were no immediate casualties in that strike. There was a lot of trauma and everything going on. I guess because the blast, even though it was close, it wasn't a direct hit. I'm guessing that that's the reason for no casualties, per se. But I know for me, it being that I hit my head at some point, there is some inside trauma.

Actually, I ended up contacting Wounded Warrior Project, and going through the Warrior Care Network to do the Extensive Outpatient Program at Emory Hospital. And so they actually did all the tests and everything, and I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury.

As it was explained to me before, being that I'm not a medical professional, it's more of there's something that shakes your brain up, there's a damage where it sends signals and you may lose your memory. At some point, there's some minor damages on the inside, but just that little shaking of the brain could cause harm, and you lose a sense of yourself really, pretty much.

I started stuttering a lot, and I couldn't remember a lot of things, so that was my biggest thing, because I wasn't a stutter individual, I didn't have a stutter, and so it was like I couldn't figure certain things out. And then it was also my memory. I just couldn't remember certain things, and that would just affect me bad, because there was nothing that... There was no explanation for any of it.

It was still happening while I was under military care. I pretty much ignored it. It's like even with the PTSD, I ignored it, because I didn't want to seem weak. I didn't want to be one of those, "Oh, you're a female, so I understand you went through this, but I don't have any symptoms of these things." So, my biggest thing was just hold it in and don't tell nobody. But as time went on, it seems to get worse. And so the memories kept getting worse, not wanting to be around crowds kept getting worse, being hyper-vigilant, everything was just... I was on pins and needles the whole time, and that ended up making me not want to be around people.

And so unfortunately, I tried to self-medicate, and with the self-medication, I used to tell myself, "If I drink, I don't think." Which is a crazy motto to have, by the way. But it was just something I had and did. But it was like, even though I drink and then I may pass out, I wake up, I'm still having the same symptoms, the same feelings, and everything was still bothering me the same way. So, it never really cured through the self-medication.

I actually stayed the whole time, finished out my deployment. At that time, the Air Force was on six to eight month rotations, so I was out by July timeframe back in the States. And once I got back here, no fanfare, no nothing. It was just like, "Okay, back to work you go." Of course, you do your 30 days of leave. But in that 30 days, I was not the best troop, let's just say that.

Because I partied and drank, and I was just happy to be alive. So, I say I wasn't the best troop as far as on my 30 days leave, this is what I did. I went out, I hung out with my family, my friends, I drank, I drank, I drank. By the time it was time to go back, it was like, "Okay, now back on active." And every day I probably still drank. So, I know for a fact I was probably not the best troop. It took a while for me. It took me to actually cuss out my supervisor to realize that I was on the verge of probably being kicked out. I did multiple anger management classes.

I kept trying to hide it because to me, I'm not weak. I'm not that weak individual. So no, I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm having these nightmares, I'm having these dreams. Why am I still waking up and smelling sand? And so things like that was bothering me. But as you say, the rapid change of behavior. So, I tried to drink and shove it all down. So, there was one incident where my supervisor, I can't remember exactly what happened, but I know she said something to me, and I said some really not nice words to her at the time. So, my first sergeant at the time, he made me go over to anger management.

So, I had to go over to anger management. I did the anger management course, I got the anger management certificate. But that still didn't help, because you go in, you talk to somebody, you walk out. But what I would do is I'd go right back home or right back to the office, I'd sit there for the rest of the day, and then go home, pick up something to drink. So, I wasn't helping myself at all in the situation, at all.

I think due to the rapid influx of self-harming, the military has adjusted to mental health issues a lot better than back then. But back then it was, "Oh, ain't nothing wrong with you. You'll be all right. Suck it up. Suck it up, buttercup." That was one thing I heard. "Suck it up, buttercup." But it was just like, "Oh, you just a girl. These are things that you just complain about because you're a female. You were scared." And it was like, that's not it. It was like I'm still waking up smelling sand. I still have times to this day where I wake up and smell sand. So, I know for a fact that that wasn't it. I know better now my triggers than I did in that particular moment. At that particular moment, it was just like, "Nah, this is not happening to me. I'll be all right. I'm just going to suck it up, take a shot, and keep it moving."

My first association was when I woke up in the middle of the night during a rainstorm. I woke up in the middle of the night during a rainstorm, and you know how loud the thunder is, when the lightning crack a tree or something? I woke up, pure reflexes, and went straight, just jumped in the closet. I was in the middle of the bed, but somehow I was in the closet in that next instant. So, that loud noise in general just got me. And then the 4th of July, the next 4th of July after that, when I got home, my godson's father, he had some really loud fireworks, and it sounded just like what I would hear in the AOR. And it was like I ran in the house, ducked, my hands over my head, my ears. I was in a fetal position. It felt as if I was right back in Iraq.

One day, I was crazy drunk, and I got into an argument with my godson's mother, and I punched a hole in the wall. And at the time, I didn't know he was there. And so when I punched that hole in the wall, he was scared. He was standing there to the side shaking and crying. So, that really affected me. So, in that moment, to be honest, I had left the house under the influence, and my plan was to actually drive my car into a tree, because I figured if I can go ahead and take myself out, then I don't have to worry about hurting nobody else. But something came over me and told me, "You know what? You not being here is going to hurt people even more."

So, that's why I actually first reached out to the VA, and I started going to therapy and peer support groups through the VA. And the only thing was after I did a 90-day program with the VA, there was no follow-up. But with Wounded Warrior Project, it was like I kept going through the same things and the same issues. And a friend of mine, I call her my big sister, she told me, she said, "Hey, have you ever thought about joining Wounded Warrior Project?" I used to always tell her, "I don't have any missing limbs. There ain't nothing wrong me. I don't qualify for that." And she was like, "Nah, baby sis." She said, "You really should check into it." And so I was like, "All right." And so when I checked into it, I ended up registering as an alumni, and just started going through a peer support group actually here in Columbus, which is funny. And that peer support group just made me feel a lot more comfortable than I have been through other programs.

For me, I can say that when I walked in and I had people shaking my hand or giving me hugs and saying, "Welcome", for me, that made me feel comfortable. The particular place where I went to the first peer group meeting though, that was the place where my pop, the guy that raised me, actually took his last breath. It was a hospice facility. So, it was like, destiny, if you will, that I go to that group in that particular area at that particular time. Because I was living in Charlotte at the time, and that's when I signed up for Wounded Warrior Project, but I didn't attend my first peer group meeting until I came back to Columbus, when they told me my pop was about to pass away.

So, it took me a long time to even have that conversation with my friends and my family, even though I'm from a military family: my brother, my pop. My pop was in Vietnam. So, he understood more than I did at the moment, because he would see it and, excuse my language, but he was like, "Goddamn, baby girl, you shell shocked, ain't you?" And I'd be like, "What you talking about?" And then he'd just start giggling. But I didn't realize he was trying to tell me what was going on because he's been there, done that.

And so when I speak with my civilian friends, and I try to explain to them what's going on, it's like, "Okay, this is what happened while I was in Iraq." I can do this now. Now, in the beginning, I couldn't do this, but now it's like, "Okay, this is what happened while I was in Iraq." So, I'll lay out the story for them. And so I was like, "So, during the 4th of July, I don't do fireworks, and during New Year's I don't do fireworks. What I do is I put some headphones on my ears, and I just sit and I have the TV on whatever, and I listen to really loud music, because I don't want to be back in that space." And so they understand it now, but they didn't understand it then, because I couldn't actually tell them what was going on. I couldn't relay the message of, "Hey, I'm having flashbacks. Can you not do this?" Now they're more respectful. They'll say, "Hey, this is going to happen at this particular time. You might not want to be here."

Actually, believe it or not, that first conversation happened after my two-week program at the Emory Healthcare Veterans Program. It took me some time, but I was able to actually sit down with certain family members and explain to them, "Hey, this is what's going on. I have PTSD, I have been diagnosed with a TBI, and it all stems from this situation." And so I was able to sit down, especially with my sister, I was able to sit down and have the conversation with her, because she used to always be like, "Oh girl, ain't nothing wrong with you." Because she was always married to military men, but none of them had never deployed. And so when I was able to take her with me on the High Seas Rally, I was able to take her with me on that. And so she was able to hear me tell my story, and now she understands it more. It took for me to be able to sit down and tell my story word for word of what was happening for a lot of people, family and friends, to even understand what was going on within me, in my head and within my mind.

I talk to a lot of vets, and I just tell them, one, they don't have to go at it alone. I always let them know that they're not alone, definitely reach out for help, and don't be afraid to show a little weakness, because you're not weak. Asking for help is actually strong. So, I let them know that it's okay to be afraid, I let them know that it's okay to be scared, and I let them know that it's okay to also ask for help, because what we need is for us to be on this side of the dirt and not under the dirt. And so that's the biggest thing for me. And like I tell people all the time, I always relate to the fact of the logo, because I went from being the warrior that's being carried to the warrior that's actually helping to carry people. So, that's the biggest thing I can do now, is relay my journey to help others.

Ken Harbaugh:

That was Sam Hargrove. If you or a vet you know is struggling, please check out the resources on our show page.

Thanks for listening to Warriors In Their Own Words. If you have any feedback, please email the team at [email protected]. We’re always looking to improve the show.

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Warriors In Their Own Words is a production of Evergreen Podcasts, in partnership with The Honor Project.

Our producer is Declan Rohrs. Brigid Coyne is our production director, and Sean Rule-Hoffman is our Audio Engineer.

Special thanks to Evergreen executive producers, Joan Andrews, Michael DeAloia, and David