Brothers in Arms Part II: SgtMaj Dan Miller

Ken Harbaugh:

Warning this episode has graphic depictions of violence, gore, and a suicide attempt. We’re sharing this episode on PTSD awareness day as a reminder that you can get help, and things can get better. But don’t take it from me, take it from Dan:

SgtMaj Dan Miller:

Stop, think. You are not alone. No matter how much you think you are, you are not. We are brothers and sisters of the same cloth. Maybe a different uniform color, but the same cloth. We did what we needed to do when we needed to do it, how we needed to do it. But you are not alone.

Taking that step and calling it a day is not just affecting you because you won't even know, but it will affect others that care about you for the rest of their lives.

Don't leave a legacy of people remembering you for this. Leave a legacy of continuing to fight, continuing to move forward, and helping yourself and helping others. Because we are a band of brothers and sisters and we will make it through this together.

Ken Harbaugh:

Please check the show description for resources that can help you, or dial 988 if you’re feeling suicidal and need immediate assistance.

I’m Ken Harbaugh, host of Warriors In Their Own Words. In partnership with the Honor Project, we’ve brought this podcast back at a time when our nation needs these stories more than ever.

Warriors in Their Own Words is our attempt to present an unvarnished, unsanitized truth of what we have asked of those who defend this nation. Thank you for listening, and by doing so, honoring those who have served.

Brothers in Arms is a special three-part series that tells the stories of SgtMaj Dan Miller and SSgt Nick Bennett, two Iraq War vets whose lives were forever changed by a deadly rocket attack.

In this first episode, you’ll hear Sergeant Major Dan Miller talk about his first two deployments to Iraq. Miller served as a heavy artilleryman, fighting in the initial wave of Operation Desert Storm,

and as a small unit infantry leader.

SgtMaj Dan Miller:

Our main FOB was FOB St. Michael or FOB Mahmudiyah, two different names to it. And then the entire battalion went there first to St. Michael. And we landed at night. And I remember when we got there, they had just gotten mortared. And I was very surprised the pilots landed to let us out because they just got mortared, but I guess they just wanted us off their helicopters. But anyways, we got the FOB Mahmudiyah.

While I was there, I was in charge of the FOB security. And then also, we had to go out all the time and do anti mortar patrols. And we had to do convoy security for what we call heavy roller, which was our logistics train. So, we were constantly going in and out of the wire, constantly doing patrolling, trying to do all this stuff. And couple of the other line companies were pushed out to the different little cities, Yusufiyah, Latifiyah.

During that time, the September, October period, it was very hectic. There was a lot going on. There was a lot of attacks. There was a lot of contact. We started getting wounded people in the battalion and some KIAs. And my guys were getting tired, and I was running them into the ground. I knew I was, but I didn't have the manpower I wanted to have. And we were kind of spread thin.

And so, there was a Marine, Nick Bennett at the time, it was Sergeant Bennett. And so, Sergeant Bennett, I really didn't know him very well at the time. Nick was an augmentee from Indiana. He was a comm guy. And just another Marine, I knew he existed. But he ran the internet cafe because on Mahmudiyah being the main FOB, they had like a little internet cafe for the Marines that could come in when they weren't on patrol or they weren't out at one of the other outposts. They could come in and maybe type a quick message or make a quick phone call home.

Well, Nick started kind of asking me out of the blue, and it was weird for a sergeant to approach a gunnery sergeant like that, but that was Nick. Nick was that kind of person and that was fine. He just was asking me, “Hey, I'd like to get involved and I want to do more than sit here at the internet cafe. I didn't come here to make sure that the computers were up or the phones worked.” And I kind of understood that in a way. But at the same time, I was like, “Well, you're not really trained for what we do, and you don't belong to me in a sense. And I can't just say, oh, sure and come on, let's go and no problem.” So, I really didn't bite into it for a little bit. But then my guys were getting more and more tired. Eventually I agreed, and I went through the comm shop master gunnery sergeant, I talked to him and everybody was good.

And so, Nick came on board and Nick fit right in as a sergeant. He was going out and doing these patrols and doing stuff, and he was good to go. He was a good leader of Marines. As I said, it was a very busy time. Fallujah part one, that actually happened before we'd gotten there. And Fallujah part two, Operation Phantom Fury was spinning up in November. And so, the activity in our area was getting even worse because more and more fighters were trying to get to Fallujah because that's where the party was at. And so, the battalion commander knew that. And so, everything was increased. The patrolling, everything. And activity was increasing a lot more.

Well, there was one individual called the Rocket Man. This guy was famous. He was former Iraqi Army. And he was really good at dropping rockets on people. And he had killed a lot of soldiers and sailors and marines with his rocket attacks.

And so, on this particular date, November 11th, Veteran's Day 2004, we had gotten word of where he was at, and we were supposed to go out to assist in trying to capture him or kill him. And so, our CP, the command post was a small outer building. The main building at FOB Mahmudiyah was called the Chicken Factory. It was actually a chicken slaughterhouse before we moved in. And before we'd been there, there'd been a different unit, a different unit, and a different unit. And it had been mortared and people had died there already from the mortar attacks. So, we were constantly trying to improve the positions and make them safer for everybody.

Right across from our CP was a little open area where we kept our vehicles, kind of ad hoc motor pool which is a nice target. And there was a little road right in front of our CP. And when we did missions, what we would do is we would have the briefing inside the CP of all the main players for the mission. The drivers, the aid drivers, the vehicle commanders, the element commanders. We would do all that stuff inside. And then we would go ahead, quickly mount up, and then pull out and go to the front gate and leave and go out about our mission. We tried not to stay in the same place too much or gather in any one area for too long.

So, there were vehicles lined up out in front in a stick. Four trucks, four Humvees sitting there. And I walked up to Nick. Nick was doing something with one of the Humvees and another Marine, Sergeant Rimkus was up on top of the Humvee working on the machine gun. And I remember the door was open on the passenger side, and I talked to Nick for a minute. I said something to him, I don't remember what I said, and I walked away, and I actually walked into the CP.

I started going into the CP, but then I remembered something, and I turned around to go back out. And as I came back out, the rocket came in. And I found this out later. I did not know this until years later. Apparently, it was 107-millimeter Chinese rocket that failed to function properly. It detonated partially. Which according to the EOD guy means that like the sub charge went off or something, and then the rocket broke apart, but the main warhead didn't detonate. If the main warhead had detonated, it would've vaporized me, Rimkus, Bennett. And there were several other marines on the side of the building that were trying to get some shade. And it probably would've knocked the CP down and killed everybody inside the CP as well.

As it was, it hit behind the Humvee, the truck that Bennett was working with Rimkus on. It hit the asphalt, broke apart. When it hit, it was strong enough to knock me on my butt. It did knock me backwards. And when I went backwards, I ended up cracking my head on the cement. My helmet came off, I cracked my head. I didn't realize it. I found out later when I touched my head, I was bleeding on the back of my head. Just changed my channel, I guess you want to call it. I didn't know how bad that was until later. But that wasn't the important at that time.

So, the rocket detonated partially. Nick caught a bunch of it. Chunks of it went into Nick. Other chunks went up through the Humvee. In fact, one of them passed right past Rimkus. And I guess if he hadn't swung his legs, he'd lost his legs if he had swung his legs out.

But it punctured the tank in the Humvee, punctured the backseat, went up and went like perfectly through the turret hole and right past Rimkus. I mean, just amazing that Rimkus didn't … I believe he found God that day according to what he had said. Yeah.

But Nick was bad. And I remember laying there and like I said, I got my bell rung. It hurt and I was confused. I did some boxing when I was younger, and I felt like I'd gotten knocked out. I felt like I took a really good shot to the face. And I was kind of out, but not out. And I wanted to get up, and I was telling myself to get up, but my body wasn't letting me get up, wasn't listening to me. I finally was up, and I heard Nick yelling for his mom. Yeah, I got to Nick, and he wasn't doing so good. He was busted open pretty bad. And I look back and I think as a cop, I'd seen plenty of shit. Murder, suicide, all kinds of stuff. And I'd seen plenty of dead people by then. But the thing that sticks in my mind to this day was the amount of blood that was coming out of Nick was the most I've ever seen coming out of a person that quickly. And I remember in my mind yelling. I couldn't really hear very well. I mean, I could hear Nick, but I couldn't hear myself yelling. I guess I was yelling for a corpsman. And I started looking at Nick, and I tried to like squeeze his leg closed because I could see his bone. And I mean, he was just messed up. And his hand was all shredded, and I was trying to hold his hand together. And Doc came, and Doc was like, “Keep him awake. Keep him awake.” And I remember looking at Nick, and I'd seen people die before. I'd seen people on the street die. And so, I was looking at Nick, and it was like I always compare it to like a flashlight that's starting to die out. Like you look in someone's eyes, and they start going dimmer and dimmer and dimmer. And the face starts changing colors, gets a little pale, a little purple, a little yellow. And that was Nick. Nick was going.

And so, I started tapping Nick in the face, and he would look at me when I tapped him. He'd look up at me, and I was yelling at him, and he'd kind of fade. And taps turned to slaps. And eventually, I actually punched him a couple of times in the face, just to get him to look at me. I wasn't thinking about what I was doing. I mean, who punches a guy that just got hit with a shit ton of shrapnel and all this? I guess I do. But it was working. He was looking at me and his eyes were open. And then poncho came, and got him in the poncho and threw him up on the truck and on the back of one of the other Humvees. And off they went to battalion aid station.

And I got up and I had a lot of Nick's blood all over me. And then I found out a little bit later, I had little chunks of Nick on me. I was kind of walking around in a daze, and I grabbed a sleeve from an MRE box, and I started picking up chunks of Nick off the ground. Like big chunks of fatty tissue on one side, and you flip it over and there's the skin with the hair on it. I was picking chunks of Nick up. And then I found Nick's gas mask carrier, and it was ripped open. And I remember I reached in, I kind of looked in and there was a photo of his wife and kids. And I think at that moment, I thought, “Fuck, I just orphaned these kids.”

As a leader, I was very proud of being a gunnery sergeant. Very proud of my Marines. And at that moment of time, I thought, “He's dead.” I mean, he was so broke up and so much blood. And I remember looking back at all that blood on the ground, and in my mind, I thought, “He's gone.” I mean, I didn't want to think that, but I guess the practical man in me was like, “There's no way, man.” And I was already trying to accept that, maybe to deal with it better, I don't know. And then walking around, picking him up, pieces of him. I don't know why I did that.

But I did that and then I jumped into Humvee that was leaking shit all over the place. And I drove it a little bit down the road. And the reason I mentioned the door was the blast was powerful enough that I actually passed the door on the roadway. It blew the door off the Humvee.

And I remember seeing the door thinking, “The door belongs on the Humvee. Why is it not on the Humvee?” And then I pulled over by motor T and a good friend of mine, Staff Sergeant Matoya, was screaming at me, “What the fuck are you doing, man?” And I got out. And anybody else talking to me like that would've had their ass handed to them. But this was one of my best friends and rank doesn't matter. He was like, “Dude, dude.” And I was like, “I'm fine.” I walked away and I started walking back towards the CP to go pick up the sleeve with Nick on it. And I saw the blood, and I yelled at Marty to get the water truck to rinse the blood away, because we still had a mission. We needed a replacement vehicle. We're going to go get this motherfucker now.

And then a captain, Captain Murphy, who was an FBI agent, came out from I don't know where, and grabbed me. I didn't realize we were still getting rocketed. I had no idea. And he grabbed me and pulled me into like this little shelter. And then I started shaking uncontrollably. And he just looked at me and he is like, “You're alright, Gunny.” And I'm like, “Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.” And then I realized I was bleeding. And I found a chunk of Nick in my collar. I found a chunk of Nick on me and whatever. And he was just like, “You got to slow down, Gunny. You got to slow down. It's okay. Everything's alright.” And I was just like, “Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. What the fuck? I'm a Gunnery Sergeant Marines Captain. I'm good, brother. Thank you.” And he's just like, “Alright, alright.” And then the all clear came, and I got out. And the truck came and we washed it down, and we were getting more vehicles.

Well, and all that was happening, the bird came in. I remember the bird came in. That blew my mind because I got to hand it to those medevac, I got to hand it to those pilots, those medevac, pilots in general. I know you're a pilot, you guys are nuts just in general.

But the medevac guys, they came in. Who flies a helicopter into a rocket attack? I mean, fuck. But I mean, it came in hard and fast, and then it was gone hard and fast. And when that usually happened like that, that meant one or two things.

One, the guy's got a chance or two, they just want to get the body and get the hell out of there as fast as possible. Usually, it meant the guy had a chance. If he was already dead, they would've waved off and we'll get him later. There's that 45-minute golden, whatever, 45 minutes. So, the bird came in, boom, and off he went. And then all of a sudden, they tanked the mission. And I just kind of wandered away. Inside, I was broken. I didn't realize it, but I think I was broken because I had lost other friends that had gotten hurt. I knew Marines had been killed. I was angry that we didn't get this guy. And he got us before we got him. And I was mad at the battalion for tanking and the mission and I wanted to go get someone. I wanted to go out and just … I hate to use the term do the entire village, but I wanted to go out and find as many insurgents as possible. I wanted them to come to us. I wanted to go to them, whatever it took. And I wanted to kill as many of them as I possibly could at that moment. And I couldn't do it because they weren't letting me. And I had to show restraint because I had other marines that were running around trying to figure shit out, trying to push it together, trying to take care of business.

And I didn't sleep, I don't know, for a while. I think maybe five, six days. I don't think I slept. I would stay up by just taking coffee, the grinds, the powdered shit. And I was just eating that. Constantly eating powdered coffee, just constantly ingesting that to keep awake. It worked. And yeah, I just couldn't sleep. I tried, but I couldn't. And I just kept awake. And I was worried about Nick. And then we found out soon enough that he was alive, which was good. That made me feel okay for a minute. I was like, “Okay.” But I was still angry that it happened. And I wanted to get revenge. And days later, they found a big chunk of the rocket up on the roof of the chicken factory. And they were like there's no way. I mean, his sappy plate, the plates we wear, there's a big chunk of his sappy plate missing. And it did its job. If that plate hadn't been there, Nick would've had a hole in his chest about this big. It'd have gone clean through him. He'd have been dead instantly.

I was getting headaches, I went to Doc. I had a cut on my head. And little did I know down the road, that would be probably the basis for the moderate traumatic brain injury that I have, that I had to learn to deal with. That hit, and probably a couple more that I took as a Marine, probably added it together. But it was just hard. And then most of our KIAs were in November. And the hits kept coming. We kept getting guys killed. And it's like for all the guys that we killed, they killed more. It was back and forth. It was just a very hard month.

And then I just detached. I don't know, at one point in time I detached from caring anymore about me. I literally got to the point where I decided that it was better that I just assume I'm going to die here, then stop worrying about it. Stop worrying about living. Because if you keep worrying about living, then you're putting your Marines in danger. If you don't care anymore about living about yourself, and you can concentrate on all your Marines to make sure that they're doing everything they're possibly could do to stay alive, then you're doing good.

And then I had this weird thing that happened to me where I got so afraid. I would not show anybody. I got so scared of going outside. If I was not undercover and I had to go somewhere, inside I was screaming. I was freaking out. I mean, really bad. I was just like unhinged inside about it. But I never showed it to anybody. And I never let it stop me from doing my job. I would go on patrols, I would go on foot patrols, I would go on vehicle convoy patrols. I would do whatever I needed to do. I never let anybody see that. I learned to bury it really deep. Like that was the only way I could do it. Like I was so afraid, it wasn't even funny. I mean, I want to say I didn't shit for three weeks because I couldn't do it. And I didn't eat, I lost a ton of weight, I wasn't sleeping. Nobody noticed it. And because I was a gunnery sergeant at that time, my attitude, a lot of people, they weren't afraid of me but they didn't want to fuck with me either. They're like, “Gunny’s doing his thing. Leave Gunny alone. Don't get on Gunnys bad side. Just leave Gunny alone. Let him do his thing. He's doing his job.” And so, I was just doing what I needed to do as best I could and keeping my mouth shut.

I stopped talking to my family because I had chances to talk to them, I didn't. I just kept my eyes straight on the prize. And the prize was to keep my Marines alive, get as many bad guys as possible, and get home, or get them home. Yeah, it was get them home. Not even me. It was just get them home.

Coming home was really weird. I got really, really, really, really, really good at faking everything. I came home and within about two weeks or so, I was back on the street as a police officer. I took one uniform off, put the other one on. If you asked me, everything was fine. No problems. All good. Everything's great. Got to go to the VA? Nope. Post combat deployment health survey. Do you have any problems? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like everybody did that after we finally got back home. Because everybody knew if you check something else, you had to go see the head shrinker or you would be held on active duty. I didn't want that. So, everything was perfectly fine. And I was being very untruthful to my wife, to my coworkers, even to the Marine Corps. I was perfectly fine. There was absolutely no problems. I took everything and I put it away. I buried everything as deeply as I possibly could. I was not going to go to the VA because I was afraid because of my job that I would get fired if they found out there was a problem with me. I didn't know what PTSD was. I didn't want to know. The headaches, I just figured were stress. The blurry vision, the migraines that would swell my right eye shut. The going to work with my eyes glazed over red and my watch commander going, “Were you out late last night? What's going on? Are you drunk?” “No.” The slurring of my words, which I couldn't understand why that was happening. The forgetfulness, the explosive anger at my wife, at my children, at me. I buried all of it. And I put this big smile on.

And I was the professional police officer, the SWAT guy, the Gunnery Sergeant Marines taking care of my Marines continuously. And then the promotion to First Sergeant. Oh my God, now, I'm a First Sergeant. Now, I'm in a different line company. Now, I'm the First sergeant of a different line company. And now, I got to know all these guys and meet the CO. And I got to show everybody that I'm an outstanding first Sergeant and I got to go to First Sergeant School. And I got to do this, and I got to … so, it's like everything got pushed aside.

And the whole time, my wife, my former wife kept saying, “Dan, you're not the same person that you were before. There is something different about you that you need to get help.” And I kept saying, “No, I'm good.” In fact, I even told her at one point in time, “You do yourself a favor. You stay in your lane, I'll stay in mine. I make the money, you do the dishes, you cook the food, you take care of the children. Simple as that. And life will be perfectly fine. Don't dwell into things that you know nothing about.” I look back and that was wrong. But at the time, I thought that was the way to handle things. Head on, and I'm the gunny, or I'm the First Sergeant and you're going to listen to what I have to say. And I kept that way.

And 2007 came and the phone rang, and I went back to Iraq again. And I felt good. Yes. I can't wait to get back to Iraq because it's easy. In Iraq, you either live or you die. There's no in between. You don't have to worry about what the wife thinks. You don't have to worry about what the watch commander thinks at work, or what people are worrying about, or feelings. I'm in Iraq in an infantry company doing combat operations in Al Anbar sitting right outside Fallujah. Just got to worry about living or dying. And since I'm not really worried about living, it made the job that much easier.

And so, made it through that deployment. And it was so much different. It was so quiet compared to ’04, ‘05. I mean, there was some suicide bombers that we dealt with, but there wasn't any big gunfights. It was more dealing with the mob which the shakes of Iraq had turned into. It was like dealing with the mafia. You give me this much money, I'll do this for you. It was the New Awakening, or the New Dawn or whatever they called it. The shakes had gotten tired of the insurgents so they were dimming them out left and right. And all they wanted was money.

The battalion did lose two Marines that were killed, ran over an IED that had been sitting there for God knows how long, but I understand they died singing Amazing Grace. So, God bless.

And then I came home again, and my wife said, again, “Something's wrong.” Things got bad and continued to get bad because I didn't seek any help. I thought I could handle it all on my own, and I wasn't doing a very good job of it. And I was self-medicating with alcohol. I was going to the VFW, the American Legion. I was going out after work with the boys, choir practice, it's called. Drinking with the guys from the shift, from the police department, talking about the day's work or whatever. I was not really seeking any help.

Eventually, I got to the point where my wife gave me the ultimatum to seek help or take the kids away. That didn't end well. Actually, ended with me being off work for four months because of the diagnosis of PTSD and the diagnosis of the traumatic brain injury. And then the medication, and the counseling, and the work, deciding whether they were going to desk me permanently or whatever. But me being a good police officer and all this other stuff, they said, “Okay, we'll let you take a fitness for duty.” I did. I passed it, got back on the job, went back to work but they stripped me of all my titles. I wasn't on the SWAT team anymore, I wasn't a gang investigator. I was just a basic patrolman with a sergeant basically following me around, which didn't help either. But it was just bad. It was bad.

And my marriage was failing in front of me, and I didn't know what to do about it. My son actually approached me at one point in time and said, “Dad, do you love me?” And I looked at him and I said, “What are you talking about? I'd do anything in the world for you.” And he said, “Well, you don't talk to me. When I come in the room, you leave the room. You don't go to my games anymore.” And I said, “Well, I didn't realize I was doing it.”

And I think back to some of the things that happened in Iraq, with some of the kids, some of the kids that were killed, some of the dead kids I saw, some of the things I saw, some of the things I even were involved in. And I think I was channeling that. And so, the safe thing was to avoid. But that shook me, that rocked world. And so, I was just in a bad way.

And actually, a friend of mine, another Marine started telling me about Wounded Warrior Project. And I didn't know anything about Wounded Warrior Project. And then when I found out about it, I was like, “What are you talking about? That Wounded Warrior Project’s for dudes that are missing legs and arms and half their head, and they're in wheelchairs. And they're getting bottle fed for the rest of their lives and all this other stuff.” He's like, “No, no, no, no. Stop, man, stop.”

Oh, and by the way, by now, I'm a Sergeant Major in charge of 1,100 Marines. When Sergeant Major has a problem, who does the Sergeant Major go to? Nobody. You sure as hell don't go to another Sergeant Major because he's going to tell you to suck it up and deal with it.

So, I didn't have anybody partially because I didn't want anybody, and partially because it just is the way it worked at the time. ABut he came to me, and he is like, “Hey, listen, Wounded Warrior Projects a lot more than that. And I want you to come with me to this event in Chicago and check it out.” And I'm like, “Well, what is it?” And it's the Air and Water Show in Chicago, and it's one of the biggest deals in the city of Chicago every year in August. It's huge. It's like the World's Fair of the year. It's this huge air show on the lakefront, and millions of people see it. And Wounded Warrior Project goes, and they set up a certain area for the veterans, and you're kind of isolated from everybody else, but you get the comradery and you get to hang out and talk to people.

And so, I went, and I started talking to people and I realized I wasn't alone. And I wasn't the only one that was dealing with all these things that I really didn't know what it was. The night sweats, the terrors, the dreams, the anxiety, the anger, the mood swings. And I actually picked up a brochure and in the brochure, (and I still have it) there was a picture of a guy, which I met. I'm not going to say his name because I promised I'd give him his privacy, but he was an army veteran who lost both of his legs, pretty much lost everything from just below the waist down in Afghanistan, had it blown off. And I remember seeing him working out in this brochure. He was in the gym, and he was pumping his iron and doing his thing. And I talked to the veteran and talked about having a family and having a kid in a house and not letting disabilities, or not letting things get in the way of your future. Not letting that stop you from being who you want to be or how you want to do it. And not losing that battle and not giving up on life because there's so much of life to live. And you came home, you brought the war home with you. You're upset right now, because you have no idea how to fight it when you're used to fighting and you know how to fight. But this, you don't know how to fight because you don't know what you're fighting. And it made a lot of sense to me.

But even though that made a lot of sense at that time, things still weren't working well. And eventually it got to the point where my wife had had enough, my former wife. And on that particular day, I got served with divorce papers. And I always tell people this. A therapist told me this, which makes a lot of sense to me. Your soul is like a bag. And if you take all the bad things that happen to you or whatever it might be, and you don't address them or deal with them, and you keep stuffing that bag with all this stuff, the bag gets bigger and bigger. Eventually one or two things happen. One, the bag overflows. And when it overflows, now, you're distracted from life trying to deal with all these problems that you already have, that you've ignored and you lose your way in life. And you get lost in everything. Or two, the bag just completely breaks. And when that happens, then the real bad things come out, then the real bad things happen.

And in this case, the demons, (they call them demons, whatever) the things that were fighting, the things that happened, the things that I dealt with whether it was the Marine Corps, or the police department , or whatever. When that final catalyst, I think was when I got those divorce papers. And then I knew that my wife at the time was not going to renege on them. And so, what I did was, “Oh, I know how I'll deal with this.” Hopped in my car, went out and grabbed a beer because sitting at the bar with your phone, drinking a beer is the best way to solve all the world's problems. Absolutely not. And so, I sat there, and I went farther and farther into the hole. I'm not a very good Marine. I couldn't bring all my friends home. Forget the fact that I made the rank of Sergeant Major, which is really hard to get. Doesn't matter, I suck. I'm a horrible Marine because I couldn't bring all my Marines home. And look what I did to Bennett. Bennett's permanently jacked up for the rest of his life because I said yes when he had no business being in that position. Very unrealistic, but at that time, very realistic. I'm not a very good cop. Or, I mean, I'm tired of being a cop. I think I'm a good cop, but I'm tired of being the police because it's a revolving door and I'm so tired of dealing with people's crap, and fixing everybody else but I can't fix me. And this is after 20 … the time I was, what, over 22 years on the job. I'm not a very good husband because my wife's divorcing me, which means I'm not a very good father because she's going to take my kids away.

So, by the end of that day, I ended up on the side of the road. I don't even remember where I was at. I think there was a cornfield next to me, which I was pretty far from Chicago if there was a cornfield next to me, but I don't even know. All I know is I took my service weapon. I put it in the side of my head, and I said, “Screw it.” And I remember when I was sitting in the car and I was thinking, “I've been to all these suicides and they're seeing all this death as a Marine and as a cop. And I always wondered, ‘How could somebody actually commit suicide? I mean, how bad must it get to be that weak to do that to yourself? And here I am doing it. Now, I understand how you can get to that point. And it's not about weakness. It's about a complete loss of faith in everything, and yourself and everything else. And I'm just going to go ahead and pull the trigger. It's two and a half pounds of pressure. I'll put a 45-caliber round through my head, and it won't hurt. That’ll be it.”

And I'm a pretty neat guy. I'm kind of a neat freak. Mom taught me that. House was always neat when I was young. Bed was always made, it’s that Irish Catholic thing. Marine Corps taught me how to be neat. But for some weird reason, I'd left that brochure with some other stuff on the passenger seat of my car. And I remember looking down and seeing it. And I didn't have this divine moment where I picked it up and flipped through it. I just remember looking at it and I started thinking about, “Well, remember that guy? Oh yeah, that kid with his legs blown off. Yeah. What did he say or what was he going to do?” And I started thinking about what he was talking about having a life.

And then it kind of hit me, “Wow, this guy's like missing half of his body, but he is going to have a wife, and a kid, and a house, and have a life. And not let what happened to him stop him from enjoying his world.” And I did something for the first time in my life up until that point. I put the gun down and I raised my hand. Not literally. I actually put the gun down and I raised my hand. I knew what was going to happen. I knew if I raised my hand and actually had asked for help for real and were honest with people, I kind of had an idea of what was going to happen. But I did it. And it happened. I raised my hand, I went to the VA.

It did not change my ex-wife's mind. I think it was just too much. There were too many things between me and her. And so, I couldn't save that as far as the marriage went. But I didn't put a bullet in my head, which I got to watch my son grow up, who now, just came back from Guatemala. He is a Staff Sergeant of Marines. I just promoted him. I just pinned him with the ambassador to the US Embassy in Guatemala. I watched my 20-year-old daughter grow up to be 20 years old, and she's a fine young lady.

But when I raised my hand the police department was like, “Well, Dan, you're a great guy, and you're a good cop, but you're done. The level of liability on you is beyond what we can fathom. So, you can have your medical disability retirement and have a good day, and we'll let you keep your insurance for your daughter. And you can walk out with your head held high, with your 25 commendations. Your valor metal and all this other stuff that you got as a cop.”

And the Marine Corps said, “Sergeant Major, you've given close to 30 years of your life to the Marine Corps. You've given more than most in a lot of different ways. And you're going to have two meritorious service medals signed by two different presidents. And you're going to have this and that, and you've got all these combat awards and blah, blah, blah. But it's time to retire. You've done enough. And now, you need to work on you.”

And so, I agreed. And at the time, I wasn't going to fight. And I understand that. And I wouldn't fight now anyways. I think they were right. I look back and there was a lot of bitterness, but they were right.

And so, I had my retirement ceremony in 2015. I had my ceremony to leave the police department in 2015. And that was it. But at least that night in my car, I didn't … like you said, if I'd have done it, we wouldn't be talking. And if I'd have done it, all the things that have happened since then would've never happened.

Stop, think. You are not alone. No matter how much you think you are, you are not. We are brothers and sisters of the same cloth. Maybe a different uniform color, but the same cloth. We did what we needed to do when we needed to do it, how we needed to do it. But you are not alone.

Taking that step and calling it a day is not just affecting you because you won't even know, but it will affect others that care about you for the rest of their lives.

Don't leave a legacy of people remembering you for this. Leave a legacy of continuing to fight, continuing to move forward, and helping yourself and helping others. Because we are a band of brothers and sisters and we will make it through this together.

Ken Harbaugh:

That was SgtMaj Dan Miller.

Next week, in the final part of this series, you’ll hear SSgt Bennett share his side of the story. Bennet also deployed to Iraq, initially working in the comms center before transferring to base security. The rocket attack almost killed him, and he too returned home with serious mental health issues.

Thanks for listening to Warriors In Their Own Words. If you have any feedback, please email the team at [email protected]. We’re always looking to improve the show.

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Warriors In Their Own Words is a production of Evergreen Podcasts, in partnership with The Honor Project.

Our producer is Declan Rohrs. Brigid Coyne is our production director, and Sean Rule-Hoffman is our Audio Engineer.

Special thanks to Evergreen executive producers, Joan Andrews, Michael DeAloia, and David Moss.