Overcoming Trauma: CSM Tonya Oxendine

Ken Harbaugh:

Warning, this episode contains harsh language, graphic violence, gore, and description of rape. Listener discretion is advised.

I’m Ken Harbaugh, host of Warriors In Their Own Words. In partnership with the Honor Project, we’ve brought this podcast back at a time when our nation needs these stories more than ever.

Warriors in Their Own Words is our attempt to present an unvarnished, unsanitized truth of what we have asked of those who defend this nation. Thank you for listening, and by doing so, honoring those who have served.

Today, in a special episode, we’ll hear from Command Sergeant Major Tonya Oxendine. Oxendine served in the US Army for nearly 30 years, retiring as a Command Sergeant Major. She did two tours in Iraq & Afghanistan as a paratrooper.

CSM Tonya Oxendine:

My name is Tonya Oxendine, and I served in the United States Army for nearly 30 years. I retired as a command sergeant major, battalion command sergeant major, leading over 1,500 soldiers. And I spent most of my time at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. It's now Fort Liberty, but it's where I spent most of my time in the 82nd Airborne Division.

I grew up in some hard and unaccommodating situations. I didn't have anybody that I looked up to. Like I said, I didn't know anything about the military. I didn't have someone that said, "Hey, I'm in the military, join the military." It was nothing like that, or people around me like that, positive people, so to speak. Later on in life, I realized that my uncle had served in Vietnam, but he was not around. I joined because we were poor. My mother was a single parent of me and my brother. We were on food stamps, welfare. We lived in a old blue wooden house on a dirt road. It had no street lights, and it was just some pretty tough situations. A lot of times our electricity would be cut off. And til my mom could scrape up enough money to pay the electric bill, we would have to run a big, long orange industrial extension cord from our cousin's house, plug it into there to our house with a little bit of light on the end of it, I call them the mechanic lights, just so we can have a little light in the house. That's how tough it was.

But I knew deep down in my head that I did not want my life to consist of food stamps and extension cords and the abuse and the fighting and all this stuff. I knew that from a little girl. Because I had endured some things as a child, as a little girl that no little girl should have to endure. I'll straight up and say rape. That's what it was. They can call it molestation, abuse, sexual abuse, and all this. It was rape. I mean, I didn't have a say so in what the heck was going on to my body. So I knew that I was not going to stay there on that dirt road. I knew that I was not going to stay in St. Augustine, that I had to leave some kind of way. And I knew that although I wanted to go to college after I was in high school and that stuff, it just seemed like it wasn't an option for me.

So one day I was just walking down the street, as I usually do, just going over to one of my friend's house, and I looked over to the left and saw these buildings and the recruiting station. It said military recruiting or whatever it was, and I walked over there, just lollygagging, and walked over there and went to the first door, and the first door happened to be the Army. If the first door was the Marines, I would be a Marine, so on and so forth. So the first door was the Army's door, and that's how I ended up joining the military.

I was a sergeant first class when I went to Airborne School, which is also a story within itself. No, I had no idea. I didn't know anything about rank structure, what it entailed. Don't remember everything, but by the time I left the recruiting station, go back home, say, "Oh, I'm going to join the Army," came in on the delayed entry program, shipped off the basic training.

Back then, I don't know how they still do it now, but they showed videos and they showed these different videos of what MOS you could choose and this type of stuff. And the one video that I saw, it's crazy. They showed going through the mud and all this stuff and firing your weapon and all these different things. And part of the video was this young lady had a really nice uniform on, and she had on a skirt and this thing. I mean, I know she looks so professional, and I said, "Well, I want to do what she's doing." And it happened to be a Adjutant General Corps, so human resources. And so that was my job, human resources, Adjutant General Corps.

And then some time went along, went to some non-commissioned officer educational schools and SOSs and that. And I saw this gentleman, I was in a mid-level course, and the most handsome man I could ever almost notice, see, walks past or comes in the classroom during this training. And I said, "Damn, he look good." He had this burgundy beret on, and it was just, I mean, fitting just right. His uniform was like they sawed it on him, boots shining. Again I said, "I don't know what he do or what he got going on, but I want to be a part of it." Come to find out, he was in the 82nd Airborne division, and after training, I put in my application, put in my packet to go to Airborne School. Went to Airborne School, I think I was 30 something, early 30s. And yeah, went to Airborne School and I wanted to be where he was at. 82nd Airborne Division, and his last name was Prince. Hector Prince. I'll never forget that. Yeah. So that's how I ended up in the 82nd Airborne division.

Yeah, so again, my childhood wasn't the best, so to speak, just because of the sexual assault and rape and all that kind of stuff. And I dealt with some of the same things in the military. Harassment and then a rape and basic training and then some other harassment and some later years. But after I started making the ranking stuff, that stuff ceased to exist. And so then I was at a point where I could help some other people and notice some shit really quick off the bat. But it started when I joined in basic training, and I'll never forget, I was pulling CQ charge of quarters in the barracks and I was on... You're in the bays and you got these long hallways, and I'm on one end of the hallway and the other female is on one end of the hallway, and it's early in the morning. We have this early morning shift, I don't know, probably at 2:00, say 02, but about 2:00 in the morning and we pull our shifts with your battle buddy. And drill sergeant comes up the steps and we are wondering why, because they come in early, but they don't come in that early. So anyway, drill sergeant says, "You guys switch positions," and it wasn't time to switch yet because we would rotate and switch positions at certain times at the end of the hallway. One, to stay awake, but that kind of stuff. So we switched positions, and again, the hallway is really long. So the other female, my battle buddy, she really couldn't see me on this end of the hallway by the drill sergeant's office. So the drill sergeant says, "Hey, Oxendine, come in the office." And he commenced to pushing me against the door and pulling down my BDU pants and raping me in the drill sergeant office. Now, went back out, did my job, never said anything for years until I retired. Because my job was important to me and my job fed my family and my job, it took care of me. And I knew that I had a job to do. So that took priority over, and I won't say my wellbeing because at that point I didn't know or realize I'm suppressing this or I'm suffering and this and that. I just pushed the shit down because I had a job to do. I signed up to protect and serve my country. I loved my job. I loved doing what I was doing and my soldiers and my career and protecting my country and serving my country was priority for me. My family knew it. My husband at that time, he knew it. That was priority. That is what I needed. So I think all those things that happened in my life as a child in the military, I think as I suppressed it and put it away, I think it just propelled me to be better, to have the drive, the discipline, the character, and the values that I have today. And I know it may sound crazy, but I wouldn't change that shit for the world. I really wouldn't. Now I know nobody wants to be raped and all that kind of stuff, but I got broad shoulders. So I think that those terrible things that happened to me, I used to be ashamed when at first I was starting to talk about it, but I'm not ashamed of that anymore. That is a part of who I am. That is who I am. I am a victim. We are all are victims at some point in my life, whether it's through love, being heard, whatever the case may be. And for me, it's about how I overcame that shit. Because right now I'm winning. I am winning at life. I live a wonderful life. I don't have, but a couple of regrets. Some things I didn't do. But yeah, I went through some tough stuff and it has made me who I am today, and a lot of things were important to me in life, and the Army was a major importance in my life. It structured me for who I am today to be able to deal with stuff.

I was in mainly male dominated units. I was a drill instructor. I was of course, at the 82nd Airborne Division, being in those male dominated units. And I was the only Black senior female in meetings or with my peers and with senior leaders. I was excelling in my career, but at times I felt isolated because I felt like there was no room for error. I felt more pressure to succeed. And even though I had been discriminated against, harassed, talked about, judged, those things happened. I think, I don't know why, but for whatever reason, but my peers and leaders, nobody looked like me. I felt like nobody understood me or anything. So I put up this wall around myself, like the Great Wall of China to protect myself from those people that treated me like that. And I said to myself, "I don't need them. I can do all this on my own. I am an independent woman. I can take care of myself." So I put this wall up, but that wall kept me isolated, just like the Great Wall of China kept people isolated. Although it was built to protect them, but it kept them isolated and my wall kept me isolated. And so then these wars, these internal wars, these mental wars came within and it inhibited me from doing some things that I needed to do like, okay, they're my peers and my leaders, why do I have this wall up? I can reach out and ask for help as well. I can go to them. I thought that I needed them to come to me, but I could have went to them as well and ask for help in a mission. I'm talking about to complete a mission or all this and not try to do it on my own. Because what I did learn from being in these type of units and being in male dominated units and different things, and what it has taught me and being a senior leader is that being independent for me was the wrong thing. I was too fiercely independent and that was wrong, and it almost cost me my life. So I had to learn interdependence that I don't have to do this alone, that I can have my team, that we need other people around us to help us to be influenced by others, to reach out and like I said, ask for help or to go to someone and offer them an olive branch. So I just had to learn that, and although some people did treat me badly, it was a lot of people that did not treat me badly, and they had my best interest at heart.

Just those few people, like the drill sergeant that raped me, just those few people, like a few senior NCOs or a few officers that may have sexually harassed me or harassed me, that's few. Those in the anomaly. I'm talking about the majority of people in the military were good to me. I had some great leaders. The military has shaped me to who I am now, and it really reflected positively on my life. The military provided me opportunities for personal and professional growth where I was able to push my limits. It provided me a chance to become stronger, more reliable, and just more suited for life. I discovered strengths in the Army that I didn't know that I had, so I'm thankful for the Army, despite the terrible things that happened. I'm thankful for my childhood despite the terrible things that happened because at the end of the day, I still have to continue to move on and continue to lead. And for my entire life, if anything, I've learned that leadership is a people's business. It's about taking care of people. Yeah, good order and discipline, all that stuff that comes with it.

That last deployment, that was a pretty tough deployment. Wow. Yeah, that was a pretty tough deployment. When I deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan and Iraq, we lost a soldier of mine, our staff Sergeant Francisco Martinez by a roadside bomb, and that was tough on all of us. But Afghanistan was just really, really tough, man. Damn. Well, we had a great team. I tell you, my commander Colonel David Leach is just one of the best. Dammit. It just bring back some…

It's just tough, man. Just to witness our countless warriors that sustained horrible injuries from IEDs, RPGs and just the mangled bodies, burns and just tubs of blood pouring out into...

They put the body bags on them to warm them as they bring them into the hospital there. I was in Kandahar. It was just the smell of death, but it was just a good team. That interdependence, and I'll tell you, we didn't talk a lot about it, but it was the look that he would give me or the touch on the back to say, "Hey, let's go have lunch, Sergeant major," or, "Let's go for a ride, Sergeant major." Even our chaplain just would come down and say, "Hey, let's go flip some tires today," to the command group. A lot of things didn't have to be said, just a lot of stuff didn't have to be said. It was just the spirit of the caring. Not spiritually so to speak, but I don't know how to say it. It was just that aura, just the smell, you could just feel that the spirit of the caring, we take care of each other. Yeah, we had a really great team in the 82nd for this last deployment here. Great group of paratroopers that knew their job, that was trained and proficient, that were ready to go out and die for our country, to live for our country, all of it. We were ready to do that. We had to go out of the gate quite a few times to do some business with locals and things like that. But overall, we not only protect and serve our country, we're protecting each other.

If some of our fellow paratroopers are listening to this, it was stationed at Fort Bragg with us in 82nd over there at the PSB. What they would remember about Martinez, we call Martinez heavy drop. Martinez was this big Hispanic, really tall. He had been about 6,2, 6,3. But I would always get Martinez. Martinez, you need to get over here, take for the overweight program because you're getting a little too big buddy. So he was this big dude. So we called him Heavy Drop because he never landed softly on the drop zone. Bam, he would hit that drop zone. And so that was his nickname, was Heavy Drop, and he was such a hard worker. He also had a thick accent. So two things right quick. So he was putting up the chain of command board. We had some new personnel come in and he was making sure the chain of command board was right in. Back then, we just put them in some frames and put them up on the wall, all dress right dress. And he was putting the frame up and he spelt something wrong as he was putting it up. And it was supposed to be because of his accent, and it was supposed to be the honorable whatever it was, the honorable Ken, whatever it was. And he put the horrible, so I said, "It's his accent." And we joked him about that. So then we started calling him the horrible Martinez. And then we have this strip of road in Fayetteville leading on Fort Bragg. Fort Liberty, now leading on to Fort Bragg was called Yadkin Road, Y-A-D-K-I-N, Yadkin Road. And he would call it Yakin. It just could not pronounce it well at all. So those were some of the funny moments about Staff Sergeant Martinez. He's missed dearly.

For me, it was always at times when we were at our ramp ceremonies and our ramp ceremonies. We are on the aircraft tarmac, and our heroes who have gave their life for our country, we're on the tarmac and we're giving them the final salute to go back home to their family members. And that tarmac would be crowded. Soldiers would get up if we had to do it at, 0 Dark 30 I say. But if we had to do it at 1:00 in the morning, 2:00 in the morning, it did not matter. People will come out of there. If they had the night shift and they were sleeping and they knew it was a ramp ceremony, they would come out to honor those soldiers who gave lives for us, for our country to honor them one last time from Kandahar as they went home to their family members.

And that to me, when you look around and you see a sea of people and not just soldiers, civilians, retirees, because it takes all of us to help this country. And you see a sea of people standing there at a proud salute or a hand over their heart, that's teamwork. It gets no better than that for me. It gets no better than taking care of people. It gets no better for me than seeing that love, and I can't forget it. It's embedded in my head. I've done it so many times on behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Army, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved ones' honor and faithful service. Never forget it. It's embedded in my memory. That is what this is. Although that's so tragic. We come together and we take care of each other. Interdependence for me is so important because like I said earlier, being so fiercely independent almost costs me my life at a point some years ago. So teamwork, it means a lot to me.

I remember after redeploying, they sent most of the seniors to DC, to the Pentagon. And I remember one day I was in my office at the Pentagon and I was looking out the window, and it was such a beautiful day. So I told my colleagues, fellow soldiers and Sergeant Majors, our Sergeant Major, "Hey, I'll be right back. I have to go take care of some stuff."

So I go downstairs and I go in the parking garage. I get my car and I said, "Today is a great day to go for a swim." Now, I knew I couldn't swim, but I was going to drive my car off the bridge because I knew I couldn't swim, and I knew I would drown. But my mental fortitude kicked in. And when I looked up, I was standing in front of the mental health counter at Fort Belvoir and saying, "Hey, I need some help."

And during that entire drive, all I could think about was my two sons, Luke and Bam. They're 37 and 32 now. And I tell you, I love those boys down to their bone marrow. And I did not want to leave a legacy of suicide. And it was nine years. For nine years I suffered. Because now I needed to talk about this stuff that I had been dealing with and had suppressed. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, military sexual trauma, dealing with all of that. I was prescribed all kinds of medications from pain medication, antidepressant medication, just everything. Just so many meds. And I was struggling. So I tried to get a job. I got a pretty darn good job, but I was still struggling. I was still struggling, so I resigned because it's lead, follow or get the hell out the way.

I've done enough leading and now it was time for me to get the hell out the way and let someone else come up and do better than I was able to do for that organization at that time. And I needed to concentrate on getting well mentally and getting back well, even more physically. But yeah, it was tough. The transition for me, missing my team that had a lot to do with it, thinking about what am I going to do now after damn near 30 years in the Army, trying to translate, yeah, while I was Adjutant General Corps, Human Resources, I hadn't done that. Oh my goodness, for 15, 17, 18, 20 years, I hadn't done that job. I was a paratrooper. How do I put paratrooper on my resume? Yeah, we can be translated for leadership and all that. So that part was tough, trying to translate what you do from the military to civilian terms.

So that part of transition, trying to find employment, meaningful employment, that was pretty tough. So I just had to take some time for myself to get myself together and heal internally. While I was smiling on the outside, I was suffering on the inside, so I needed to heal internally. And I was able to do that through mental health therapy, counseling and that kind of stuff. And with the help of my two boys and with the program and organization that I'm a part of a Wounded Warrior project, so I'm grateful for that. Again, a team. But my transition was not an easy transition. Now, some of that was my fault as well. I didn't prepare as much as I should have prepared because I thought it would be a certain way. It wasn't because although I worked hard in the military, I'm thinking, "Oh, I'm a command sergeant major. I'll just come out here and get this great job and get me a good government job." Well, Tonya, you still have to put in the work and do a resume and all that kind of stuff as well. So yeah, it's some of that I have to take accountability for, because it was not tough, meaning that the resources and things weren't available for me because they were.

It was just tough on my part because I wasn't fully where I needed to be mentally to go out and pursue something meaningful. And I'm glad that I took that break and was able to work for a little while and realize that I needed to resign and step out of the way and just wait a little bit. And then now I have something that's really fulfilling to me that I'm taking care of. Back again, serving not in uniform in that way, but still being able to serve and help veterans and help warriors. And that's with Wounded Warrior Project.

Initially, no, I didn't have those doubts about the VA when I went in trying to figure out what benefits, if any, that I'm authorized or entitled to, they help me out. I mean, they put me in the right direction. It's not an easy process. It's not so streamlined and so smooth. There are some bumps in the roads. There are some wait periods and there are some timelines. No fault of my own and sometimes no fault of the representative that may be helping you. It has to go through different levels, and I think I had to understand that and not necessarily accept that, but just deal with it and follow up and that kind of thing. It's not an easy process, but it can be done.

Again, and I'll mention Wounded Warrior Project. I'll mention some other organizations that are out there that could help soldiers with their benefits or help them navigate the VA to a point where they can get the help that they deserve or get the treatment that they deserve. Yet. It's not easy, but it can be done. And the VA sometimes gets a bad rap. And I don't know, not for me. I appreciate it. There's still some improvement. Hell, there's still some improvement I need to do for me. I'm still growing. Even though I've dug my feet down deep into the soil and that. But I still got some growing to do. And I think for the most part they are improving. I know they're doing a lot of work on women's initiatives and things like that and different things that women need that sometimes that men may not need. I mean, it's a male dominated world. That's just the way it is.

So yeah, I can understand, since we're talking about the VA, how some things were catered toward men because men were the war fighters. Men, they did a lot of stuff. And then when the females start coming in, it is just taking some time to get what we need in the system, whether it's gynecological care, whether it's a mental health care, a different kind of way. Men and women are different. Men think one way and women think a different way. My boyfriend is an Army ranger, totally different mindset than I may have or something. So we all deal with things a little bit different, but they are improving.

And I do appreciate the VA for improving. And with Wounded Warrior Project and other veteran service organizations out there advocating for veterans and warriors for the things that we need, to help us out to be better and to get healthier and to live the life that we deserve.

I do. Like now, it's such a beautiful day. I'm like, "Oh man, the winds are calm and it would be a great day to jump." Yeah, I do. I do miss that. I miss it a lot. I tell my friends, I have a saying, "I'm so damn retired." I love my life. I love being retired, but I do miss that. Whether we are riding in the vehicles, going to the drop zone or all of us on the aircraft and the Air Force of mapping the earth and different things. I miss that a lot. I miss our runs together. I miss training together. I miss just going in the dining facility, serving soldiers during the holidays. I do miss that. I miss my team, just like I hear some retirees, so I don't miss nothing about it. Well, I miss them. Just like my mom passed over 30, almost 40 years ago. I still miss her sometimes. So yeah, I do. I miss that.

So I pride myself on being a pretty darn good leader, but I had to learn a lot to be a successful leader because when I was a young soldier and then coming in the military, I had the big head. You couldn't tell me nothing. I knew it all. I was a little old country girl, grew up poor, but I was hardcore. I was physically and mentally strong. I was tough, but I thought leadership was something totally different than what it really is. My idea of being a successful leader back then, as a young soldier coming in, a little paratrooper, not even paratrooper because I figured out before then. But as a young soldier probably that was what about 27, 20 something. Maybe probably when I was on the trail, I had to figure... As a drill sergeant, I said trail. When I was a drill sergeant, I think maybe that was around the time. It was my aha moment because I thought successful leadership meant that everybody else was down here at the bottom and I was up here on the top. But that was not success. That's not successful leadership. That's sickness. I had to really learn to let the air out of my big head and learn that leadership was about influencing people, inspiring people, motivating people, and getting the best out of people. And then once I figured that out and said, "Hey, this is what leadership is about and this is what you have to do, it's about taking care of people. And again, excelling in my career and making it to the top." I just put my head down and dug my feet in and tried to strive for my max potential. And I think a lot of times that most life forms, whether it's plants or whatever, they strive for the max except some people. And I'm glad I figured that out because when I look at it, you say, "Well, how tall can a tree grow?" A tree strives for its max. It grows as tall and as high as possible. Trees don't grow half. But sometimes I think people only do half. And I wanted to strive to the max, and I was able to do that because I had the dignity of choice.

Again, my drive and discipline to be able to do that. And I think we get stuck sometimes and we think that we have to repeat the same thing we did last year and we don't. We can tear up last year's plan and we can develop a new plan. We can do something different. So just leadership and the military, I've learned to take the good, the failures and the rewards. And like I said earlier, as I reflect positive back on the military, it really provided me a chance to become stronger and just more reliable for life.

Ken Harbaugh:

That was CSM Tonya Oxendine. To learn more about her and the Wounded Warrior Project, click the link in the show description.

Thanks for listening to Warriors In Their Own Words. If you have any feedback, please email the team at [email protected]. We’re always looking to improve the show.

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Warriors In Their Own Words is a production of Evergreen Podcasts, in partnership with The Honor Project.

Our producer is Declan Rohrs. Brigid Coyne is our production director, and Sean Rule-Hoffman is our Audio Engineer.

Special thanks to Evergreen executive producers, Joan Andrews, Michael DeAloia, and David Moss.